Driving Lessons

"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane." --unknown

As my grandson gets ready to drive, I try to lend him all my brilliant techniques, you know, the ones that can’t be found in the Driver’s Manual, because I suspect they are written by men.

First: And most important, try to plan out each trip in a circular pattern.  If you always go in circles, you don’t have to cross traffic.  All my trips are circular and if they can’t be, I know the nearest light.  I have been known to only choose stores that fit into my hamster wheel of easy driving.

Second: If you have to cross four lanes of traffic, you might have to spend the rest of your life sitting there.  Turn in the direction of the traffic and then turn in somewhere and turn around.  Then you’ll be going the right direction and you have the illusion that you were moving the whole time.  Cuts down on frustration and possibly the horrible effects of road rage…well, it’s possible!

Third: The highways in Tulsa had names before they had numbers.  I don’t know their numbers, it seems impersonal to me.  We have the Skelly Bypass, the Okmulgee Beeline, the Crosstown…which turns into the Keystone Expressway if you’re going west, there’s the Broken Arrow and the Turnpike.  When people start telling me to go on Highway 44 to 75, etc., I have no idea what they’re talking about.  I do know 169 because it never had a name…sad.

Fourth: Ask for directions!  I seem to have the best luck with foreign men giving me directions.  I now look for exotic looking men and hope they’re not Americans for all my directions. 

Fifth: Follow your instincts.  I drove to Philly one year, and I don’t believe in maps.  I saw the harbor and decided, that had to be where the old town would be.  I took the exit and got right where I wanted to go.  When it was time to leave, a lovely man with a great accent told me the three turns to take to get back on the highway.  My sister called from outside Philly the next year.  She and her husband, with their maps and electronics got completely lost.

Sixth: If you know you’re going to get off at a certain exit, don’t wait until you are right on the exit to start scooting over.  I know several people, who may or may not be related to me by marriage, that love nothing more than driving as far from the exit as possible and then being very upset when they can’t just shoot off the highway because of all the traffic…duh!   

Seventh: When you’re traveling with your (grand)children, make as many happy memories as you can.  Make up songs, have a certain hotel that you can’t live without, let soda cans implode in your car at least once, take sandwich stuff, point out every silly thing that nobody else notices, and if you happen to run into a trash can that’s chained to a post in Virginia…just call the green scratch a souvenir (in fact all dents that occur on trips are souvenirs).   Laughter is like taking a permanent snapshot that one word can pull back into memory. 

Happy Trails

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."--

Unknown