“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
Unknown
I almost fell into an old, deadly pattern this week. People Pleasing. I’m not sure if people-pleasing comes from being a Midwesterner, a woman, an Applegate, or if my mother’s breast milk was just particularly rich in the people-pleasing vitamin, but it is my first response in almost every situation.
What I have learned is that while fighting a life threatening disease, people-pleasing is as nourishing and empowering as drinking toxic waste. People come from a well-meaning, loving place. They want to alleviate their own feelings of helplessness, so they come up with well-intended, well-meaning, well-constructed ideas that make perfect sense to them and offer them as gifts that shouldn’t be refused.
For the wonderful people who are part of the support system of a friend with a life threatening disease, I say this with more love and gratitude than you can know, this process is not about you. You have to deal with your own feelings and thoughts in your own way, but don’t expect the person who is healing to have the energy to take care of you. Don’t expect the person who is healing to go along with your wishes. Don’t think that the person that is fighting for their life is being oppositional because they don’t see things the same way you do. Believe me when I tell you there are different vistas and plateaus from which we each view the world at different times in our lives.
One of the characteristics found to have profound positive effects on the immune system is AUTHENTICITY. If a person facing a life threatening illness can’t be authentic with you for fear of hurting your feelings, or upsetting you, then you cease to be a support.
I believe there are no shortages of miracles. We are all terminal, no matter how much we fight the idea; none of us are getting out of here alive, so let’s live well in our time frame, being present for one another and allowing each other the gift of authenticity and diversity.
In order to become an extraordinary patient you need many things, and a support system tops the list, but an ACTIVE STRUGGLE RESPONSE is equally important. An active struggle response means that you are willing to take a stand with your doctors, your health care providers and even your friends, stating what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable and asserting your wants and needs…just the opposite of people-pleasing.
To truly support a person in crisis: support their active struggle response, let them know that they are not a statistic, affirm that the healing person can still contribute and have a voice, allow them to express negative feelings because it can be healing when those thoughts are no longer draining energy. Listen and respect the wishes of the person going through this transformation without judgment or reprisals. Do what adds to the energy and life spirit of the one healing.
As for me, it is easiest to make sure everyone else is okay. When I say no, I fret and worry that I’ve hurt someone’s feelings and second guess myself and worry about what people might think of me and what’s being said about me and how that’s being interpreted, etc. It’s a pattern that’s as old as my DNA. BUT, I am in for the fight of my life, so what a wonderful opportunity to change that old pattern! I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Healing doesn’t always mean curing.
Sending huge hugs and gratitude to my supporters and prayer warriors. Please keep sending that life affirming love and energy. Hoping in my case that healing does mean a cure.
I would love to hear your stories.
Don’t forget to check out The Wednesday Boy on Kindle and the November edition of Sasee Magazine for my new article. Cheers!
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